


Steven Universe!: The Reboot

by AngriestBitchAlive



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Action/Adventure, F/F, Fix-It, Humor, Reboot, Science Fiction, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-20
Updated: 2019-06-19
Packaged: 2020-03-08 07:13:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18889741
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AngriestBitchAlive/pseuds/AngriestBitchAlive
Summary: In this reboot of the series, new adventures are to be had with the Crystal Gems and their sidekick, Steven DeMayo. Protecting their city of Pleasant Bluffs from the Diamond Empire, the team has to fight monsters and evil Gems while trying to keep their secret from the rest of humanity.





	1. A Fresh Start

Trouble was brewing in the sleepy town of Pleasant Bluffs. In the neighborhood of 2013 Sugar Street, something dark and vicious was occurring within a deceptively innocent looking two-story home…

PRRRFFFFFFFFFFFFT!

“Ugh, Steven that is so gross!” Pearl and Amethyst cried out in unison.

“Sorry. You guys know how toaster strudel gives me gas,” Steven said, munching a blueberry filling toaster strudel. It was in fact breakfast time for the Crystal Gems, protectors of Earth. In the daytime, they disguise themselves as normal humans living in small boring town. However, in reality, they’re a group of aliens who protect the town from supervillains and monsters, all completely in secret. Steven is in fact their young ward, who serves as their sidekick and occasional coffee boy.

“All right Steven, listen up,” said Garnet, leader of the Crystal Gems, walking into the kitchen. She has no patience for tomfoolery, especially coming from Steven. “Today’s your first day of school. I don’t care what you do there, just make sure people don’t find out you’re a Gem.”

“She’s right. If anyone knew our secret, we’d be taken by the government and experimented on. Or worse,” gasped Pearl the second in command. She is the neurotic one and Steven does not help that one bit. “We’ll have our butts mounted on the wall!”

“Think you can keep our secret Steven?” asked Amethyst. She is the youngest member and tends to bully Steven when he deserves it. 

“Don’t worry guys. You can’t count on me!” Steven replied, while cutting a huge fart. Steven may not be the smartest or strongest member of the team, but he makes up for it in gumption. With any luck, that gumption will get him far with the team…

Once breakfast was finished, Steven was taken to school in the Pearl mobile (it was actually a white Sedan). Outside of Sojourner Truth Middle School, were Steven’s best friends, Peedee Fryman and Connie Maheswaran. Peedee is a cynical young lad who always tells it how it is and is realistic about life. Connie is a gay skateboarder who likes to hang out with Steven and is very close to him.

“What’s up Steven? How was your summer?” Connie asked enthusiastically.

“Eh, not so good Connie. I had to most of it hanging out with my dad at his used car dealership and you know what a drag that is,” Steven groaned. Steven can’t stand his father and the feeling is mutual. Between his used car dealership and his love of tacky clothes, what’s not to hate about Greg DeMayo.

“My summer wasn’t great. You now that movie where they’re in the end game? The thunder god was reduced to an insulting fat joke, they completely ruined the jade giant by making him smart and not smash stuff and the guy with the American shield went back to his own time! Completely unfitting for the end of the franchise, ruined my whole vacation. The iron dude dying was well deserved though,” grumbled Peedee.

“Just write a fanfic about it. I’ve been reading fan fiction all summer and I found some pretty great stuff,” said Connie. “Not all of it was good though. I read one story where a girl was raised by aliens who were bad guys in canon and she eventually gets her own electric sword and force fields. It was pretty bad.”

“Well, the good thing is that we’re back in school with all our friends. Like Sue Ellen Marie…” Steven said, looking at Sue Ellen Marie, his crush. She was the nicest and most beautiful girl in the whole school. Sadly, she doesn’t know he even exists.

“I know what you mean,” Connie said, gazing at her crush, Dana Washington. Dana was the smartest girl in school, always reading and studying for school.  
Suddenly, their daydreams were cut off by a loud taunt: “Well, well; if it isn’t Steven Underpants and company!”

Steven turned around and saw Lars, the star quarterback and most popular kid in eighth grade, followed by his gang, Sadie, Sour Cream, Buck and Jenny. They tended to pick on the younger kids, with Steven being their favorite target.

“Oh…h-hey Lars. What’s cracking cousin?” Steven joked nervously, trying not to get beat up.

“Speaking of crack, why did Steven take his butt to the doctor?” asked Lars. He then reached down and gave Steven an atomic wedgie. “It had a crack in it!” Lars and his cronies then laughed and walked away.

“Ow, my butt,” Steven said, rubbing his rump.

“Wow and I thought my parents were bullies,” said Connie, frowning and putting her hands on her hips.

The bell rang and students ran into their classrooms. “Come on guys, we have to head into Mr. Hernandez’ class,” called out Peedee as he headed to class, Steven and Connie not far behind him.

In class, Pedro Hernandez was organizing his students for the day. A well-loved teacher, he is never the less strict with his students because he loves them and wants them to succeed. 

“Alright ninos,” Mr. Hernandez said, “I hope you all had an excellente summer break. But now, must get to business; a pop quiz!”

This elicited a groan from the entire class, except for Dana, who studied all summer. She is a very good student. “First a wedgie and now a pop quiz? Can this day get any worse?” whined Steven.

Just then, a crash could be heard from the playground. Shocked, all the students saw what was going on outside. It was none other than Peridot and Lapis Lazuli of the Evil Diamond Empire. The Evil Diamond Empire is a group of tyrants who want to take over earth and complete their conquest of the galaxy.

Their top agents are Peridot, a cold and calculating evil cyborg gem who uses science to achieve her goals. Lapis Lazuli is a bloodthirsty gem who lives for the chance to fight, using her vast water controlling powers to wash away the competition.

“Humans!” cried out Peridot. “We’ve come to destroy this building you call a “school” and take everyone with it.”

“Knowledge is power and schools are full of power. So by destroying this place, we destroy power!” cackled Lapis.

“Dios mio, it’s the Evil Gems!” lamented Mr. Hernandez. “Is there anyone who will save us!?”

Just then, the Crystal Gems arrived, ready to save the day, to the cheers of everyone in the classroom. 

“Stop right there Evil Gems!” Garnet declared, hands on her hips.

“You won’t be destroying any public knowledge on our watch!” Pearl said, pulling out her sword.

“You baddies are going down!” yelled Amethyst, her whip already in her hand.

“I think not,” Peridot coldly replied, aiming her laser arm cannon and shooting that gems, with Lapis following up with some water attacks.

As the gems duked it out, Steven thought to himself, “Oh no, I’ve got to help the Gems!” Seeing that his classmates were distracted, he put on a mask and headed into battle. Arriving at the scene, Steven stood there tall and proud.

“All right you nerds! The real hero of the universe has arrived! Get ready to rumble!”

Unimpressed with the theatrics, Lapis said, “How are you going to rumble with your pants pulled down?”

Before Steven could even react, Lapis extended her water arms and pulled his pants down, revealing his underwear to everyone. Then, shaping her water arm into a fist, she punched Steven straight across the schoolyard.

“Ha! What a maroon! What an ignoramus!” laughed Lapis cruelly, rolling on the floor.

“He is certainly quite the buffoon,” observed Peridot, chuckling uncharacteristically.

While the two Evil Gems were sharing a laugh, Garnet noticed they were distracted and launched her fist at them, defeating them completely.

“Alright, we’ve whooped your butts. Now leave at once,” demanded Garnet.

Frightened, the two Evil Gems teleported back to their lair, accepting their defeat.

With Lapis and Peridot gone, the classroom ran outside to thank their heroes.

“You were incredible out there!” gushed Connie.

“Simply stupendous!” congratulated Dana.

“Hey don’t forget their sidekick! He helped too!” protested Steven, his pants pulled up and his mask taken off.

“He’d be more help if he could keep his pants on!” jeered Amethyst. Everyone then shared in a good-hearted laugh. Except for Steven who felt the toaster strudel bubbling in his stomach…

“Excuse me.”


	2. Jasper Attacks!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Diamonds continue their onslaught against earth using their best agent...Jasper!

Hovering over the Earth’s atmosphere was a skull shaped evil lair; this was none other than the spaceship of the Evil Diamond Empire. Within the space ship were the Diamonds and their minions.

There was Yellow Diamond, a hate filled being who would rather destroy the Earth and its inhabitants than rule it. There was Blue Diamond, a smarmy and condescending tyrant who wants nothing more than to enslave the human race. Then there was there henchmen; Jasper, a seemingly loyal gem who in reality wants the throne of Diamonds for herself. There was Aquamarine and Topaz, two goofballs who do more humor than harm. And then there was Holly Blue Agate, who was just the maid who made sarcastic remarks.

“Argh! Those two idiots failed us! They will pay for their incompetence!” raged Yellow Diamond, slamming her fists on a table.

“Simmer Yellow Diamond. While Peridot and Lapis have much to answer for, we must also remember that those accursed Crystal Gems are at fault. There must be a way to get rid of those blasted do-gooders,” pondered Blue Diamond.

Suddenly Jasper spoke up. “My Diamonds, if I may interject? What if I went on the mission to take on the Crystal Gems? Unlike Tweedledum and Tweedledumber, I have a much more impressive track record. Remember the Rebellion of the Borts, the Cinnabar Uprising, and the Battle of the Lustrous? All quashed by me.”

“Well, that is an impressive acumen,” admitted Blue Diamond.

“I also seem to remember you failed to stop Bismuth’s Rebellion which ended up with Pink getting killed,” argued Yellow Diamond. “Why should we trust you and not just use our patent pending Gem monsters?”

Jasper frowned at this. “Look I’m your best bet. It’s either me or the rejects over there. And are you really that desperate?”

Following Jasper’s gaze, the Diamonds turned to see Aquamarine trying to balance a tea cozy and a cup on Topaz’ flat head.

“Hold still blockhead! If I can get this to balance just right, I think I can find a career for you as a stool. Nyuck nyuck nyuck!” laughed Aquamarine.

“Buttered toast!” replied Topaz simple mindedly.

In the other corner, Holly Blue was dusting a vase, a blank expression of boredom on her face.

“Ugh. Point taken,” conceded Yellow Diamond. “Alright you can take out the Crystal Gems. But I expect results.”

“While you’re there, use the Ruby Squadron. They should come in handy in the event the odds are against you,” advised Blue Diamond. 

“Understood! I will not fail you!” saluted Jasper and she headed off to her mission. As she walked away, she smiled evilly and thought to herself, “Yes; I’m one step closer to achieving my goal! Soon enough, I’ll be in the Diamond’s good graces and take control of the empire, right from under them. Soon the entire universe will bow to the Great Jasper!’

Meanwhile on Earth, Steven was at the Big Donut, with Melissa Choi at the register. Melissa was a young college student who worked at the Big Donut while dreaming of one day opening her own bakery. For now, she was content with offering Steven an ear to listen to.

“…and that’s why I think Taylor Swift will come out of the closet later on this year,” said Steven. “Sure, she may have chickened out in April but with enough love and encouragement, she’ll get her girlfriend.”

“Honestly, anyone who says otherwise is straight. Gays have a knack for knowing these kinds of things,” Melissa replies. “Though if you ask me, the straights can keep her.”

“I wish the straights could keep me,” Steven said glumly.

“Aw, what’s the matter Shtu-Ball?” asked Melissa.

“This school year has started terribly. I’m failing Mr. Hernandez’ class, Lars and his crew have given 20 wedgies and 30 swirlies and to top it all off, Sue Ellen still doesn’t know I have a crush on her. I must be the biggest loser in town.”

“Cheer up Steven. It could always be worse. You could be Samantha Pepper,” Melissa said, pointing to the one other patron in the Big Donut.

Lo and behold was Samantha Pepper, the local artist of Pleasant Bluffs. With curly hair, glasses and a strange voice, Samantha often drew comics, with the goal to work at Cartoon Network. Her latest work is Galvanized Galaxy, which is about a young girl named Nora who is raised by aliens named the Metal Alloys, who live in a tourist trap called Ocean Town. Nora was born with a piece of titanium in her bellybutton-inherited from her father-and must learn how to use her powers to become leader of the Alloys. Samantha thinks this will be her big break into the industry. Everyone else thinks it will never catch on.

“Hey guys, I’m working on a new storyboard for Galvanized Galaxy. This episode is called Dog Toes, where Nora turns her toes into dog heads. Pretty cool huh?” said Samantha, giving an awkward smile.

“Uh…yeah, that sounds really cool Samantha,” Steven replied. He learned over and whispered, “That’s super creepy.”

“That’s not even the worst part of it,” Melissa whispered back. “The colors are eye searing and the heights are inconsistent. She’s never going to make it in the animation industry with that mess.”

Suddenly, a loud crash was heard outside, followed by a car alarm going off. Rushing outside, Melissa and Steven saw Jasper standing triumphantly over rubble and ash.

“Crystal Gems! You messed with the rest now we’re bringing out the best! I’m here to defeat you on behalf of the Evil Diamond Empire; come out and show yourselves!”

Trying to sound tough, Steven bleated “Oh yeah? You and what army?”

“Oh I am so glad you asked!” Jasper said, snapping her fingers. In an instant, the Ruby Squadron appeared and began striking intimidating poses. They then proceeded to smash up the street with impunity.

“We need to do something!” yelped Melissa.

Desperate, Steven shouted, “Um…hold on, I need to pee!” and ran towards an alley.

“Wouldn’t it make more sense to go to the bathroom in the Big Donut?” asked Melissa, confounded. “I work better in a dark alley!” was the only response she got.

In the safety and privacy of the secluded, Steven made sure no eyes were on him. Satisfied, Steven lifted up his shirt, revealing his gem…only to pull his pants down and start peeing against the brick wall. This went on for five minutes straight, with Steven whistling happily as he urinated, seemingly oblivious to the Rubies going on a rampage. Once the tank was empty, Steven pulled his pants back up and put his mask on, then headed into battle.

“Alright, Steven Universe of the Crystal Gems is here! Tell the Evil Diamonds to-oof!” Steven didn’t get that far with his speech as the Rubies tackled him and started beating him up. Jasper watched all this, guffawing at it all.

Shaking the Rubies off of him, a bruised and bloody Steven pulled out his shield and asked “Is that all you got? I can do this all day!”

The Rubies gave each other a look and then jumped on top of each, fusing into a giant version of a single Ruby. The giant Ruby then began pummeling Steven, eliciting more guttural laughter from Jasper.

Just as the beatings went on, Amethyst swung into action, staring down the giant.

“Oh hey it seems like it’s time to take out the trash and I’m not just talking about Game of Thrones. Allow me to be your garbage man for today,” said Amethyst.

“Oh you’d know about trash you Crystal Scum,” scowled Jasper and the orange gem spun into Amethyst, while the giant Ruby continued her beat down.

Jasper continued to trade blows with Amethyst, with the purple gem blocking them hit for hit. Knowing she couldn’t keep this up forever, Amethyst starting thinking up of a plan. In the midst of Jasper’s punches, an idea popped into Amethyst’s head.

“Hey Jasper! Ever heard the Earth saying the bigger they are, the harder they fall?”

“What does that have to do with-oof!” Jasper didn’t get too far as Amethyst landed a clean kick to her midsection that sent her flying across the street. Using her whip to tie up the giant Ruby, Amethyst used all her strength to drag the behemoth down, sending her crashing right into Jasper. With the Rubies separated and Jasper badly beaten, it was clear the enemy had been defeated.

“Argh…this isn’t over Crystal Pests! You haven’t heard the last of Jasper! I’ll be back!” With that, the evil Gems teleported away, securing the victory for our heroes.

“Like I said; taking out the trash,” said Amethyst.

“Wow, that was amazing! Great work out there,” congratulated Melissa.

“What about me?” asked Steven, battered beyond recognition. “I helped too!”

“You didn’t help at all!” scoffed Melissa.

Just then, Samantha crept up the three and asked “Does anyone want to read about Nora and the Alloys crossing over with Aunt Grandma?”

Amethyst looked at her strongly and said, “Dude, Quasar and the Forces of Magic is way better.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: Samantha Pepper comes from a Steven Universe short!
> 
> Anyways keep an eye out: not only is there going to be a third chapter but there's going to be a one shot crossover between my fic and ConnieSwap! Stay tuned!


	3. Born This Way

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's a new hero in town! Will they be enough to stop the Evil Diamond Empire?

“But you guys, the new Pokemon game is going to be awesome! It’s on the Switch so it has to be good!” shilled Steven as the kids were walking to school.

“Steven, they’re cutting out half the Pokemon and making it Galar exclusive. Screw that, I’d rather not get a Switch at all,” Peedee growled, upset that he wouldn’t be able to transfer his beloved team to the new titles.

“Game Freak is a lazy and greedy corporation that uses amoral business practices and does the bare minimum of gaming. I will not support them just for the sake of shiny virtual animals,” barked Connie. “I’d rather spend my money on a competent franchise, like Legend of Zelda.”

“Besides, you’re not good at recommendations. Remember when you recommended us My Hero Academia? It was literally just a green haired kid crying and throwing a tantrum that he can’t be a superhero,” said Dana.

Just as Steven was about to blindly defend his favorite franchise, a shadow suddenly zoomed above them, grabbing their attention. 

Their gaze going upwards, the kids cried out individually.

“Look, up in the sky!” 

“It’s someone stronger than Superman and the Hulk!”

“It’s someone more heroic than Batman and Spider-Man!”

“It’s a better role model for young girls than Wonder Woman and Sailor Moon!”

Suddenly a figure appeared before them; it was a woman of Native American and African American heritage, clad in a rainbow costume, including a billowing cape and a matching domino mask. On her chest was two Venus symbols, lovingly interlocked with each other and around her waist was a belt with “WLW” as the buckle. And to top it off, her hair was styled into a rocking faux hawk.

“It’s Captain Pride!” the three kids except for Steven cried out in unison. 

“Yes it is I, Captain Pride, defender against pervasive heteronormativity and lover of women everywhere!” declared the superheroine.

Suddenly, everyone began rushing towards the hero, gushing over her and asking her questions.

“Whoa, one at a time people. Let’s start with you, the one with the curly fries shaped hair,” said Captain Pride.

“Miss Captain Pride, can you clear the air about your origins? What’s your story?” asked Ronaldo.

“Well if you must know, I was there at the Stonewall Riots. After the first brick was thrown, I could feel the strong emotions of everyone in that crowd; resulting event gave me the boost to unlock my potential. From that day on, I became Captain Pride, protector of LGBTQIA+ individuals. Any other questions?”

“Captain Pride is it true you don’t like cops?” asked Jenny.

“Well young lady, I’m afraid I don’t really trust cops at all and prefer they keep a good distance from me. In fact, I got into an argument with the Flash when I learned he works as a police officer. Let’s just say it didn’t end well…for him.”

Everyone shared a big laugh before Samantha Pepper raised her hand and spoke.

“I just wanted to say you’ve been a huge inspiration for me. I’ve been adding in more LGBT characters in my new cartoon, Galvanized Galaxy.”

“Oh?” said the Captain. “Is the lead character queer?”

“Well not exactly. There’s a gay alien couple but they’re fused together constantly into one being. And there’s another gay character, who’s super devoted to their dead lover. In one episode, there’s even a part where they’re so devoted, they train a young child to die for their significant other.”

The Captain looked discouraged. “Okay then…You, blond girl! Got a question?”

“OMG, I’m on the spot here,” said Sadie. “Um, are you like, dating Captain Marvel?”

“Well let’s just say we might be Captains Pride in the upcoming future,” replied Captain Pride with a wink. The crowd erupted into cheers at the mention of this.

Suddenly, there was a beam of light and the sound of cackling in the air. It was none other than Peridot and Lapis Lazuli, of the Evil Diamond Empire, villains in every sense of the word.

“Puny humans! Bow in despair at the Diamond Empire! Thanks to that bootlicker Jasper, the Evil Diamonds have now given us a second chance!” cried out Peridot.

“Jasper may be stuck cleaning Topaz’s litter box for a month, but it will be all worth it to get another chance to crush you!” cackled Lapis.

The townspeople except for Dana, Connie and Steven ran away while Captain Pride stood her ground. “Super villains wanting to destroy all that is good in this world? Not on my watch!”

And with that, Captain Pride flew into the two evil Gems, guns blazing. She had the upper hand at first, taking out Peridot with one punch and fighting Lapis to a standstill. As with any villain, Lapis didn’t plan on fighting fair and square. Using her liquid wings, she trapped Captain Pride in a water web and began thrashing the heroine. Getting back up from that punch, Peridot joined in on the beat down, blasting the poor hero with an electrical current from her arm cannon. Crumpled on the ground, it seemed that victory was within the evil Gems’ reach.

“Oh no! Captain Pride is in trouble!” cried out Connie.

“Maybe someone should go get the Crystal Gems and their sidekick. They’re heroes too, especially the handsome sidekick!” suggested Steven.

“No need! We just need to remind Captain Pride of all the good things she’s done,” said Dana.

Gathering up her courage, Dana called out to the injured hero. “Captain Pride! You can’t give up now! Remember all your accomplishments over the years! Remember when convinced the government to give reparations to the African American community?”

“Y-yeah,” said Connie, finding her voice. “Or how about that time you protected all those women online from those gross nerds?”

“What about that time you convinced Cartoon Network, Disney and Nickelodeon to add much needed diversity to the channels?”

“Or…when you helped a girl realized she loved another girl,” Connie said, blushing. 

Dana looked at her and blushed back, the feeling mutual. Turning back to Captain Pride, Dana yelled, “If you can do all that, beating these chumps is too easy!”

Feeling strength in those words, Captain Pride rose to her feet and knocked both Gems out with a single punch. Then, she lifted the two Gems by their feet, twirled around and tossed them into the horizon.

The three kids ran up to the Captain, congratulating her and praising her.

“That was awesome Captain Pride,” said Steven, stars in his eyes.

“So what’s next for you?” asked Dana.

“Thinking about reading fanfiction. There’s this one fanfic about a girl with force fields and a yellow wolf companion that’s really good,” responded the Captain.

Upon hearing this, everyone broke out into laughter. After saying their goodbyes, the super hero flew off, ready to protect the innocent another day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Pride Month everybody!
> 
> After some planning, it's been decided to post the ConnieSwap crossover as the "season finale" of the reboot, to mirror how the canon show crossed over with Uncle Grandpa. So keep an eye out for that.
> 
> Anybody want to see anything in this reboot?

**Author's Note:**

> My very first fanfic. Please be kind and review.
> 
> Hope you can catch all the little references here and there. ;)


End file.
